What my cat taught me about change, adaptation and relationships

A Cat I Never Intended to Keep

When I look back at the videos of Onyx during her first days in my apartment, the first thing I notice is how skinny she was. Her body was incredibly frail, long and thin, and her coat looked nothing like it does today. You could tell that life on the streets had not been easy for her and that, more than anything, she needed food, rest, and safety.

When I took her off the street, my intention was simple: I wanted to rescue her and make sure she was safe. I wasn’t prepared to have a cat, and I certainly hadn’t planned on keeping her. But very quickly, I began to discover that underneath that skinny, rather pitiful little appearance was an extraordinarily lively personality. Onyx was curious, attentive, playful, and fascinated by everything happening around her. She watched me, followed what I was doing, and actively sought interaction. Markdown lipit

Her body told a story about what she had been through. Her behavior, however, showed me how much energy, curiosity, and desire for interaction were already there.

Why I Started Training Her

That was when I decided to try training her. Not because I needed a cat that followed commands, and certainly not because I wanted to turn our relationship into some rigid training program. I simply wanted to give her mental stimulation. Food, rest, and safety were the priorities, but it was becoming increasingly obvious that Onyx had a very active mind and a lot of energy. If she was going to live indoors, I wanted to give her more than a bowl of food and a comfortable place to sleep.

I started with something very simple: “Onyx, sit.” I didn’t have particularly high expectations. She had only recently been taken off the street, and I was still figuring out how she worked. But Onyx surprised me. She responded remarkably well to the exercises. She learned to sit, and later we moved on to things like giving me her paw. What had started as a fun way to stimulate her mind gradually became another way for us to communicate. Markdown lipit

Looking at those videos now, the contrast strikes me. I see a very skinny little cat who had only just come in from the streets and still needed to recover physically. But at the same time, I see those enormous eyes focused on me, the attention with which she followed what I was doing, and her willingness to try something new. Her body needed food and rest. Her mind needed play, curiosity, and challenges.

When we rescue an animal, we naturally focus on the urgent things: food, water, shelter, and health. All of those are essential. But once safety is established, another part of the process begins. It is no longer enough simply to survive; you need the opportunity to start living. For Onyx, that meant exploring the apartment, interacting with me, learning, and playing. Lots of playing. I would later discover just HOW much playing. :))) Markdown lipit

Safety Is the Beginning, Not the End of Growth

My experience with Onyx reminded me of an important principle in coaching. Change does not always happen because someone tells us what we are doing wrong or explains who we should become. Sometimes people grow more easily when they feel safe enough to experiment, curious enough to try something new, and free enough to make mistakes without being punished for every imperfect step.

There is an important difference between trying to “fix” someone and creating the conditions in which that person can grow. Coaching, as I understand it, is not about shaping another person in our own image or telling them who they are supposed to be. It is also about helping them recognize what is already within them, understand what is preventing them from using those resources, and discover what they can do differently to move toward the life they want. Markdown lipit

In those first videos of Onyx, the personality I know today was already there. I didn’t create her curiosity, intelligence, or energy. What I could do was provide an environment in which those qualities had the opportunity to emerge. Sometimes people, too, have strengths and resources they are not using—not because those qualities do not exist, but because certain experiences, fears, or circumstances have not yet allowed them to develop.

Adaptation Did Not Happen in Only One Direction

At first, I naturally assumed that Onyx was the one who needed to adapt to my life. She had to learn the house, the routines, the boundaries, and the way I communicated. And she learned all of that remarkably quickly. But while she was adapting to my world, something else was happening without me really noticing it: I was beginning to adapt to hers.

I learned how she asks for attention, when she wants to play, when she is becoming overstimulated, and when she simply wants to be close to me. I discovered that automatic toys can spin around the house as much as they like because, most of the time, Onyx still prefers the toy I move myself. She doesn’t always want just an object moving in front of her. She wants the interaction between us. Markdown lipit

Meanwhile, she has studied me rather well too. She knows how to get my attention and which behaviors are likely to produce the result she wants. If staring at me doesn’t work, the paw appears. If that still doesn’t solve the problem, there is always the laptop, where she can strategically position herself until I finally understand the message. I have now reached the point where I keep her wand toy next to me while I work.

So the question of who trained whom remains open, and I am beginning to suspect that the score may not be in my favor.

But underneath that amusing part of our story is something much more important: our relationship developed through mutual adaptation. I learned something about her world, and she learned something about mine. Neither of us remained exactly where we started. Markdown lipit

Human Relationships Need Mutual Adaptation Too

I think the same principle matters in human relationships. Sometimes we imagine that a good relationship is one in which two people fit together perfectly from the beginning and never really have to work at it. Real life is rarely that simple. Two people enter a relationship with different histories, needs, habits, vulnerabilities, and ways of communicating. Inevitably, those two worlds have to learn how to meet.

A healthy relationship is not about turning the other person into a copy of ourselves. It means being able to say, “This is important to me,” while also remaining curious enough to ask, “What is important to you?” It means having boundaries without becoming rigid, and being flexible without losing ourselves. It means understanding that our way of loving, communicating, or solving a problem is not the only possible way.

But healthy adaptation must be mutual. If one person is constantly adapting while the other only demands and receives, we are no longer talking about the same process. One person cannot build a relationship for two. Markdown lipit

This is also why, when a relationship is going through a difficult period, the first question does not always have to be, “Is there any point in continuing?” Sometimes people conclude that the relationship does not work when what no longer works are certain behaviors, routines, expectations, or patterns of communication. And under the right conditions, those things can change. Communication can be learned. Routines can be rebuilt. Closeness can be rediscovered. And when there is accountability and consistency, even trust can sometimes be repaired.

That does not mean every relationship should be saved. There are situations in which lack of respect, harmful behavior, deep incompatibility, or a complete unwillingness to change make distance necessary. But the existence of a problem does not automatically mean that a relationship has no value or that nothing can be improved. Markdown lipit

Not “Who Needs to Be Fixed?” but “What Can We Build Differently?”

Perhaps one of the most useful shifts we can make in a relationship is to stop asking, at least for a moment, “Who is the problem?” When each person is focused only on proving that the other one needs to change, the relationship can easily turn into a dynamic with an accuser and an accused—but very little actual growth.

More useful questions might be: What isn’t working between us? What can I learn? What can I do differently? What does the other person need me to understand about their world? What do I need them to understand about mine? And what can we build differently together?

A relationship does not have to be perfect to have value. But if it is going to improve, it needs two people who are willing to look at the problem rather than simply looking at each other as the problem. Both need to be willing to learn and to make concrete changes in their own behavior. Markdown lipit

In a way, that is exactly what I observed in my own process of adapting to Onyx. I am not exactly the same person who first brought her into the apartment, and she is no longer the little cat who first walked through the door. Over time, we have created routines and a language between us that neither of us had on that first day.

Sometimes the Potential Is There Before We Can See It

When I look at those early images today, I see a very skinny and vulnerable little cat. But beyond that, I can already see the Onyx I know now. The curiosity was there. The intelligence was there. The desire to interact was there. And the energy—most definitely—was already there. She simply needed the right conditions for all of those qualities to begin to emerge. Markdown lipit

Onyx needed enough safety to begin showing who she was. Perhaps people sometimes need something similar. We do not always need someone to “fix” us. Sometimes we need an environment safe enough for us to try, make mistakes, learn, adjust, and discover what we are capable of becoming.

And in a healthy relationship, that process does not happen in only one direction. One person does not grow while the other simply watches. One person does not constantly adapt while the other makes demands. One person does not keep trying while the other waits for the results. We meet somewhere in the middle. We learn each other, we adapt, and when there is respect, safety, and mutual willingness, we can grow together. Markdown lipit

Perhaps that is one of the most beautiful things I have been reminded of by a skinny, scruffy little cat I rescued from the streets—and never even intended to keep.

Coaching with Ioana Coman

I offer one-on-one coaching for relationships and personal development. If you are struggling to understand a relationship, establish healthier boundaries, rebuild your independence, or decide what you want to do next, coaching can provide a structured space to gain clarity and move forward.

My coaching is holistic, which means our work doesn’t have to stop at relationships. I also work with people who want to make meaningful changes in areas such as career and professional direction, lifestyle and nutrition goals, self-confidence, personal organization, habits, and overall personal growth.

Coaching is not about someone else telling you how to live your life. My role is to help you understand what you want, what is keeping you stuck, and what you can realistically change.

You can read more of my articles on the https://www.ioanacomancoaching.com/blog-ioana-coman-coaching or book a https://www.ioanacomancoaching.com/one-coaching-session-1.

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